Jake: Philip, I will buy everyone ICE CREAM if you pee in the potty.

Philip: pees on floor

Topie, later: Daddy! Philip peed in the potty a tiny bit when you weren't looking, I SAW him.

Me: Jake, is there any pee in the potty?

Jake: No.

--insert chastising Topie for lying, etc etc.---

Me: Philip, time is running out tonight!

Topie, chasing Philip: Baby, baby, drink some water!

I think we have a pretty strong majority on the handling of family finances. It's pretty clear that there should be openness when it comes to the family's money. There are times when it might seem prudent to withhold funds, like if there is a proven history of overspending or recklessness or putting the family into debt (as my mother secretly did--had tons of credit cards and my dad never knew till she got behind paying, then he had to take care of everything, ugh).

The idea of being stuck at home with the kids all day every day and not having the option of going out for coffee, or taking the kids to the zoo or something...it makes me feel panicky. If it were a "job" I'd be looking for a new one. Being a mother is hard enough as it is, without adding a sense of helplessness and lack of appreciation into the mix.

Also, it really bothers me that the primary earner of the family could, at any time, theoretically lock everything down and claim not to want to share "their money". Me, for example--what could I do about that? Run out and get a job to have some play money? And my kids will be...where exactly? Is it not a career to be a stay at home parent? Think of all you sacrifice in the process of making that choice. You sacrifice going out and earning your own money or feeling like you financially contribute to your family, being out around people in a non-parenting context, doing work that is potentially satisfying and personally gratifying and that utilizes your personal strengths and background, even the freedom to do things spontaneously without having to find someone to watch your kids--if you're even willing to leave them in the first place.

All that seems like a big deal to me. It's so much more than just physically being there with them all day. It's being completely responsible for a huge variety of needs--remember, you are the one who clips nails, cleans ears, gives haircuts, gives baths, gets them dressed, feeds them multiple times a day, teaches them so much ranging from reading to how to be a decent human being and a million other things we don't give ourselves credit for. All that in addition to trying to remember to do anything for yourself. While managing a household! Paying bills, keeping things clean, maintaining household inventory, scheduling repairs or doing them or hounding your husband for months to do them, household shopping and planning and organizing etc etc etc etc. I'm getting worn out thinking about all of it. Then there's trying to be social in the midst of all that, finding people you can stomach being around for the sake of not going insane being lonely and bored (because even though you're constantly busy, so often it's just dull as hell and your mind rattles around) and whose kids don't maul your kids or share their Twinkies and Ritalin with your kids. Making huge decisions about a million things ranging from diet to education to religion to toys to clothing to pediatricians to vaccinations to carseats. Driving the kids around and remembering when you have to be where and with what props.

If I knew I was dying and wanted to help Jake find a replacement me, the job description I'd write up would terrify all prospective applicants.

And for all of this, we get what exactly? The satisfaction of knowing we're bringing up reasonable people that we will enjoy spending time with as they grow and when they are grown up. A renewed perspective about our own experiences, in the context of how those experiences will be useful for our own children. A token gift every May. Drawings and paintings handed to us, I made this for you, Mom. Stretch marks and sleepless nights and slobbered/snotted/spit up/etc clothes, lots of extra messes, and a frickin awesome mom-mobile.

How about a trip to Paris every year? Jewels of our choice? Going out to a restaurant without being told to order the cheapest thing on the menu?

How about a sincere thank you every day? How about some freedom in our decision making and some trust? How about the resources to make it all work?

In return, you'll get some nicely turned out kids, a well-run home, sincere gratitude for your efforts to earn money for the family.

Okay, end of rant.

A friend's post has me thinking and wondering what other people do.

If you don't have kids, but you are married/serious with someone, how are your finances handled? Are both your names on all accounts? Do you maintain your own personal accounts as well? Describe your access to all funds. Is there any money you don't have access to?

And for families, particularly with stay at home moms, is it reasonable to leave the mom at home all day with no credit/debit cards or cash? No access to bank accounts? How does your family handle "spending money"? Or do you have any at all?

Who pays the bills? Who earns the money?

What is a SAHM entitled to, financial-wise and otherwise?

Just curious. I'd really like to hear all your answers.

In our family, both our names are on all our accounts except we each have one personal checking account and one personal credit card with just our individual name on it. We each get an allowance direct deposited (or did, before this new job thing) and it was no-questions-asked how we spent or saved it. We were expected to not dip into the joint account for personal expenses unless they were discussed and agreed upon in advance. Anything fun like eating out, going out for coffee, movies, clothing, gifts, anything personal, was to come out of our allowance. I have always paid all the bills and handled most of the finances because Jake is more flaky about it than I am and I value our good credit very highly. Jake has always been very indulgent in addressing my needs by throwing money at them: short classes once in a while, mini-trips, anything pregnancy-related, things that make me feel appreciated once in a while when I start spazzing out. He wants me to always have money available to buy good food, anything we need to keep the household running smoothly, and to take the kids places at a moment's notice. He doesn't want lack of funds to be a limitation in my going out with friends (once in a blue moon, anyway) or taking the kids on playdates at places where money is required.

But what do the rest of you do?

So yesterday I was totally on the ball and made chicken stock. Around dinnertime I went to scoop some out for rice and discovered a strange blue thing floating in it. And it was the plastic zipper thing from the ziploc bag the chicken pieces came in. And it had cooked with the stock.

Of course I didn't eat it, and it's still sitting there on the stove actually, taunting me with its otherwise beautiful goodness, in no way indicating that it's actually full of essence of plastic.

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

http://www.cincysavers.com/

I assume you're already aware of this, but just in case...

Waiting for word on a three month contract in CINCINNATI.

Just saying.

So exciting it's already time for this!

Halloween

Fancy Nancy costume for Topaz
Something for Philip?

Topie's birthday

banner

beaded topaz bracelet or necklace, need to get the beads these or these

dollhouse furniture and maybe some knitted blankets and pillows too--have dollhouse furniture, need to sand or paint (bought used at mama goose)

corduroy skirt to match mine--need to make both



Christmas

For family and friends, I'm thinking strawberry jam and apple butter and pumpkin butter, baked goods (I want to get tiny loaf pans this year).

Knitted hats for all of us, maybe on a theme so we don't match per se but clearly all go together.


For Philip, I'm almost done with this Baby Bobbi Bear out of kntpicks organic cotton.

For kids, large cloth ball http://www.purlbee.com/fabric-beach-balls/

Photo flashcards http://www.ohdeedoh.com/ohdeedoh/how-to-photo-flashcards-096344

DECORATIONS:
Ball ornaments http://www.lionbrand.com/patterns/81008AD.html?r=1



I need ideas for Philip. And I don't know what to plan for Topie's birthday. A party? I'm sure she'd want one. I'll talk to her about it tomorrow.

Philip is very mechanically inclined, always taking stuff apart and figuring things out. I wanted to make him an activity board with buttons and levers and switches and latches and locks and stuff to fiddle with. Maybe that.

Yesterday I took the kids to Joann's to find fun things for Topie's Fancy Nancy Halloween costume. She carefully studied her FN books before leaving, consulting me for my opinion several times. I suggested she not try to copy a specific outfit from the books, but to THINK like Fancy Nancy, what would she like, what would she buy, what would she do with it. That was fun.

So we picked up an excessive amount of pink and purple glitz, and I was also tempted by some gorgeous corduroy print they had on sale. I decided to go crazy and got a couple yards to make me and Topaz matching fall skirts. LOVE the fabric. Now to find a pattern or something? It seems like a skirt shouldn't be that hard, but I really have no idea. Help?

I've been terribly stuck in terms of knitting, for several months, actually. I pick up something, start, then rip it out and never bother. The kids don't really NEED anything, and I haven't had money to buy yarn for projects for Jake or me. So I've just not been knitting. Well, that one little thing for Ashley, that went surprisingly well and is only minorly messed up. But anyway. My head just will not focus. So I decided to start finishing things. I finished the gorgeous Wool in the Woods shawl Jake's mom gave me when she moved--90% done, just needed to be completed. So I did that. Then I totally frogged a little fuzzy square I had made for Topaz last year, supposed to be a fancy ballet type skirt but I got it wrong and it was too small. She didn't have any real use for it, waste of yarn, been making me unhappy for a while. So now it's yarn again. Then a blanket made from organic cotton yarn that I never could afford to buy more of. Now it's a fabulous scarf FOR ME! Then I patched and repaired the three pairs of baby pants that have started falling to pieces. Then took the little summer-weight top I was making Topaz--the other ball of yarn mysteriously disappeared, maybe rolled out of the car unnoticed?--and made it into a sweet ruffly bag to go with her costume. She's happy with it. It needs some embellishment, though. Flowers and beads maybe. Today I have two kid sweaters made of organic cotton that need the armpit seams done. Easy enough, just need a bit of quiet time to focus. Then I made the two ears I had put off making, for Philip's organic cotton teddy bear (Christmas present). Now I need to sew them on the bear, and embroider the nose and eyes on it. Also today, I would like to rework the last bit of my french presse cozy and start USING it. I had intended to submit it to Knitty but forgot about the deadline. Oh well. I love it, but it's maybe a half hour from done.

It has felt really good doing this. Closure, completion, decluttering. When I have done all those small projects, I fully intend to pull out the silk/wool jacket I made for myself several years ago, and do the border around the whole thing, lengthen the sleeves, and FINISH IT. And wear it.

And THEN I will start other things. Like birthday and Christmas presents, holiday decorations. I want to do a stocking for Philip, tree ornaments, some sort of Thanksgiving something. Things for the seasons table. I want to make Topaz a kitty ear hat, and maybe leg warmers for her ice skating class. She brought me some pink yarn from my stash and asked for socks.

Topaz and I went to the basement and dug out my old bead bag, so she could sift through and find things for her costume. I don't have much in there, but it was fun pawing through it. She insisted I make a project too, so we sat on the cold basement floor, in poor light, and beaded. I ended up making a couple things I totally love, shockingly enough. That never ever happens. I make something then take it apart, always. But she had a little bag of beads Jake's mom had given me a few years ago that I never knew what to do with. A totally random assortment of stuff, but what really grabbed me yesterday were these extremely simple clay birds and fish. Perfect little beads for making organic looking accessories. I paired them with cotton yarn and Swarovski crystals. I made one little simple necklace that I LOVE. I have ideas for making it cuter and stronger, but that can wait. I was just so astonished that I had any creativity left inside me, and that I could be happy with something I made up. It's been a very, very long time, let me tell you. Maybe some part of me is waking up. Maybe I need to put some things--and projects--behind me and start all over, brand new.

Proposed daily schedule.

7:30 Everyone awake

Get dressed, wash faces, come down for breakfast.
Make breakfast.

8:00 Eat breakfast, together. Discuss plan for the day.

8:30 Family walk around neighborhood.

9:00 Go our separate ways. Jake upstairs to work, takes computer. Kids and I work on activities, play outside, library etc.

Make lunch.

12:00 Eat lunch together.

Julie gets computer for half hour.

12:30 or 1:00, Jake goes back upstairs to work. Julie takes computer up after half hour.

Kids play outside, we do activities, run errands, etc. Chores.

3:00 Jake comes down for a break. Relaxes, talks to us, plays with kids. Gets his mail.

3:30 Jake back upstairs to work.

Make dinner.

6:15 Eat dinner together. Work done for the day, unless we specifically make plans and agree to give Jake extra alone time.

7:15 Start bedtime: baths, pajamas, brush teeth, read books, tuck in, lights out at 8:15.

ADULT TIME. Discuss issues about kids, household, work, etc. Work together to solve any issues. Prepare for the next day: kid activities to set up, ingredients to assemble, plan outings, coordinate our schedules, relax.

Somewhere in there Julie gets an hour or two of alone time (see the problem...?) for knitting or running personal errands, bath, watching something on netflix, etc.

Designated work times, designated family times. Let's see what Jake wants to tweak. I know some things are spur of the moment, or he needs breaks at different times or whatever, but I want some guidelines. We have to make this work, or it won't work.

Done with my knitting project. Feels good to have actually finished something, down to the last detail, but I see mistakes and it's not perfect and so I'm ultimately not thrilled about it. But it was made with love and I hope it is good.

And apparently I can't watch the first half of season 5 of Lost. Grr. I have no idea how to catch up now.

Topie's birthday

http://store.imaginechildhood.com/echopocketscopes.aspx

http://store.imaginechildhood.com/organiccottonbackpack.aspx

She has asked for a pink cake, so I'll either mix in some of the fruit juice "dye" I have or just puree strawberries in.

I'll pre-cut and pin felt and fabric pieces for projects out of the little book she loves--The Cute Book and give her projects to work on for months.

Sewing basket--pincushion, scissors, threads, needles, measuring tape, pins, needle threader

Christmas

I already have a few things--the kitchen toys/dishes stuff I got from Ali, a bunch of Chelona puzzles and games I got at Homegoods. I'm nearly done with the adorable teddy bear I'm making for Philip. I'll knit them both something useful, like matching vests or hats or something. I'd like to make them art smocks. http://sewing.craftgossip.com/tutorial-childs-paint-smock-from-adult-shirt/2009/05/18/

Topie likes this: http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=30409592


For Jake, I don't know.

I'm up by myself watching Lost. I got through one episode, and when it was over, I realized I had forgotten about everything. But then I remembered it all. I think I'm going to watch some more.

This is where we should stay on our great Finger Lakes Vacation 2010:

http://rentalo.com/303044/climbing.html

Just thinking about the issues I had with baby positioning both pregnancies, and how I really believe the Rebozo technique made all the difference and completely saved me from a c-section with Topaz. Just a thought.

http://www.spinningbabies.com/techniques/in-pregnancy/rebozo

Sorry, I couldn't help myself.

Put aside those loose ends for now and concentrate on initiating something that's near and dear to your heart. It's a fantastic time to lay the foundations for a project that needs lots of time and TLC. So start drawing up plans, brainstorming and building those castles in the air. Make sure to give yourself plenty of freedom. Think of the sky not as being the limit, but more like a ... guideline.

Get your life in order -- you need everything organized if you want to make progress. You should be able to leap ahead of the competition thanks to your background preparations, so don't worry.

Hmm. Thinking it's been a while since we heard from Ashley...

I had forgotten how sensitive I am to summer weather. When I'm hot, I get unbearably cranky. On really, really hot days like today when I feel like I can't breathe, it's like the pressure is building and building and there has GOT to be some release soon or else something crazy will happen. But invariably when it gets like this, the first roll of thunder and flash of lightning sets me free and I feel better than I can remember ever feeling, and then the rain pours down and I feel that total release I had been looking for all day long.

We had a gorgeous dinner on the back porch, rain blowing all over us, thunder and lightning providing free entertainment. We had a bottle of wine and the most amazingly wonderful thrown together at the last minute quiche (grated parmesan dumped in the pie shell, portobello and cippolini onions. Unexpectedly fabulous. It was so pleasant. Then ice cream for dessert, and Philip shattered a little glass bowl on the stone floor. Oops.

Still uncomfortably hot inside. I walked in the rain in the backyard and was freezing. It was such a nice break from the heat.