I have declared today Deal With It Day. I've had all these stupid minor issues around the house that have been bugging me for a while, and today I'm picking them off.

I'm loving my little communicative boy. He put his head down on my shoulder, and I asked him, Are you sleepy? Yeah. Do you want to go lie down? Yeah. And now he's asleep! Amazing! He's also saying thanks now, consistently.

Trying to get this place organized to start all over again with the selling process. Also, to make it as livable and comfortable in the meantime as I can. Especially the back porch, which has been full of yard stuff so we haven't been able to comfortably eat out there. Which we should be doing.

I have a Maclaren Triumph, and I love it except Philip can get out of it now. It buckles around his waist, and even on the tightest setting he can wiggle out. I think if it buckled up around his chest he couldn't get out. How could I get a new harness? Do any other Maclaren strollers, or the newer ones, make straps that buckle at the chest? Or anything that would be compatible. Philip got a black eye standing up and falling over in the stroller the other night, and it's just too much stress to not be able to turn around when I'm out. Help?

God, we're so broke. And with the minivan to pay for, we'll probably be broke for a really long time. We've always lived mostly paycheck to paycheck, but lately we're going way over, floating on credit and an overdraft account, and then paying it back immediately with the next paycheck so no interest, but then starting with very little paycheck left. Again and again. I had hoped that this freebie paycheck would give us a buffer, but it went so fast, we've been way overdrawn for most of the week already. And don't get another check till Friday.

And now we've bought this oven on credit, and I think it's going to have to come out of our pathetic little savings so we don't get hit with the 20something% interest rate.

We're using a ton more money on gas--it costs well over $50 to fill up the minivan tank, and we've been driving SO FUCKING MUCH with Jake home, so I can't even imagine how many hundreds of dollars it adds up to. And hotels, and eating out, and then still lots of grocery shopping. We haven't bought anything fun or frivolous, just being away from home so much.

So after we pay back everything we went over this past week, we should be really close to nothing. I think the only way to dig us out of this is to stay home, not use gas, not eat out at all, and eat up some of the food reserves I have here. After this paycheck I'll finally be done paying for Jake's mixer, so then I can contribute my allowance to something useful.

I've been giving a lot of thought to how I can bring in some income, maybe that etsy shop finally, but it seems not worthwhile if we never can hang onto any money we get anyway. So I want to get to the point that we're not going over every paycheck, and we're putting at least SOMETHING, even $20 in savings every paycheck.

Who knows what money we might make on this house. If any. But any money we would get would go straight to the next house down payment.

Right now we're actually quite stocked up on food. We have plenty of grain for making bread, rice and quinoa and lentils and beans and all that stuff, and spices, and some frozen meats and vegetables. Not a ton, but a fair amount.

The only thing I would theoretically need to buy would be dairy, fresh fruits and vegetables. My problem is that when there's a sale on something, I take advantage and stock up on it, even if it pushes us over. This might be a good strategy, but I just don't know. We're not incurring any interest fees or anything, but somehow it feels wrong to buy things when we have no actual cash.

And I've been thinking the dairy is a problem. We buy butter, milk (mostly for yogurt and baking and cereal once in a while), yogurt when I don't make it, cheese, ice cream, and cream, all on a regular basis. All that stuff makes up a ridiculous portion of the grocery budget. We've gone without dairy for months at a time for various dietary purposes, but lately I can't get myself to go back to that. Coffee without cream? No butter? No yogurt or ice cream??? I have more reasons to give it up than keep eating it for sure, but that doesn't really change things. I should really try harder to find a cheaper local source for dairy. I don't mind making my own yogurt and ice cream, and maybe one day even cheese, but I need a good supply of the milk and cream.

Hopefully the garden will start producing soon (we have a few little zucchinis out there).

I have lots of detergent because that was our big souvenir from Ashley's Park and Vine. Freshly stocked up on toothpaste, can go back to family cloth if we run out of toilet paper, don't need diapers or really anything for the kids. The only toys I've bought for them in months are stashed away for birthdays/Christmas. They have some fall clothes (or Topie, at least) and I've been working on knitting their fall wardrobes. No trips planned. No yarn to buy. Plenty of caffeine and alcohol to last a good long time. So I suppose really, it's not too bad. I could literally not buy a thing for a whole paycheck, catch up, and be back on track. I wonder if that's true. But then, our car insurance payments will resume in a month or two, and then after that the heating bill will take over, and I have no idea how we'll make it then.

It seems crazy. We live in an area way below the national average cost of living. Jake makes more than the average here, by a fair amount. We don't live extravagantly. We cut corners all over the place, then splurge on food or gas or occasionally something for the house--like we just spent maybe $100 for this stairway project. But in the end, I'm wearing clothes that don't fit well and are falling apart, I haven't bought shoes in years, and my only pair of summer shoes has a HOLE IN THE SOLE. And despite all this, we're still always tight.

My mom always tells me I'm so lucky to be with a guy who always has a job and is financially stable. Well, it's not luck. Jake planned this his whole life, always knew he wanted to be able to support a large family on one income, and worked very hard to get it. And as for me, it wasn't a coincidence that that's what I wanted. I could have chosen any number of bums who had very shaky careers or no careers. That was not the number one factor by any means, but only an idiot would say it's not a factor at all. Life is survival. We make beneficial alliances. Jake married someone who is willing to stay home and give a huge amount of herself to his kids. I married someone who proved to me he could make that possible. No coincidences, no luck. It all sounds rather cold and calculated, but really, I think choosing one's LIFE PARTNER is a serious matter, and it can't be denied that in some ways it's a business deal as much as anything else. I honestly don't know what would have happened if I had chanced to fall wildly in love with some great guy who worked in fast food or had a string of bad luck, or whatever. Probably I would have married him and chosen not to have kids. I never imagined I'd have kids anyway, but Jake came along and made me think that if I had kids with anyone ever, it ought to be with him. I still feel that way. I think that all-you-need-is-love crap is really just crap. How about love plus knowing where your next meal is coming from? Does that make me a cold person? There's a reason marriages are arranged in some cultures.

Jake bought this book on listening, that's supposed to be the last word on the subject, written maybe 25 years ago. And we've been reading it and thinking about it, and I've told him that we have got to make this work. We have serious communication issues, and I think that by itself is the root of all our problems. We've both had the same thought that in the grand scheme of things no one has committed any great wrongs: no infidelity, no lying, no half-truths, no secret debts, no abuse, no real drama. The only problem is our day to day business, and not getting each other's messages or intentions clearly enough. We both feel frustrated. Maybe this book will help. But we're totally committed to sticking this out forever. Really, it's just another project.

Today I went to Ithaca with Jenna, and we had some interesting conversations on the drive. The most interesting thing was this, that I realized is such an issue in my life that it's worth writing out.

It seems like these days people are discouraged from having standards. People who do have preferences for things are called picky or difficult, hard to shop for, impossible. But I think that cultivating true appreciation for good quality things has the potential to greatly increase one's experience of life. You hear about "wine snobs" and connoisseurs of various things, but often they are portrayed as snooty or not typical. Think of Frasier.

Jake and I are connoisseurs of all kinds of things. Chocolate, wine, coffee, pretty much all foods. We appreciate and seek out quality and craftsmanship, people who take pride in their work, and things made by people who are the best in their field, who really care about what they do. Their effort really comes through, and is worth the added effort of seeking it out, and worth the expense. But not everything that is the best is necessarily more expensive. Usually, though, it's more expensive in terms of time and thought put into it. We enjoy seeking out obscure things made by true artisans. And we get so much pleasure from the most simple things, partially because of the thrill of the hunt and the satisfaction of discovery, partially because the quality is so exceptional that it's impossible not to genuinely enjoy it.

So we have a reputation for being picky and food snobs, and everything snobs, really. We read lots of reviews for everything we order online. We want to find things with the best reputation. Well. The best within our means.

For us, the more care is put into a thing, the more satisfaction and enjoyment we seem to get out of it. We are surrounded by quality tools for all our hobbies and chores. They are a pleasure to use. My spinning wheel, for example, is a work of art. Jake's grain grinder is too. We appreciate the aesthetic of our tools. Frequently, we get to meet the artist or craftsman responsible for the things we buy. This adds such a personal element to the item, and increases our appreciation and respect for it.

But when I think about the food industry, and in fact everything that is mass produced, every system that we are surrounded by, I feel like we are being told from all sides to just shut up and take whatever we happen to get, and not think about it. It's the same with birth, medical care, food, service, all the crap we buy at Target or even Saks Fifth Avenue. We're not encouraged to seek out more than what is readily available, piled up for our convenience, ready to fall apart right on schedule so we can spend more money replacing it.

We've found ourselves on a many a wild goose chase for random things, just to avoid that mass produced stuff, and discover the cream of the crop. Of course, we do buy a lot of whatever-happens-to-be-there stuff, but that's just because in the end it gets exhausting considering going to Japan for the best rice cooker (seriously).

I suppose it's as much a hobby for us as anything. Before we had kids, we would set these little scavenger hunts for ourselves and take off in search, finding ourselves in unexpected places talking to interesting people about things that are fascinating to only a few people. We haven't done much of that lately, and a lot of our searching now is done online. The thrill is gone, sort of.

But I do resent being looked down upon for having high standards. Or standards at all, really. So many people don't give a thought to what they do or eat or buy, and we get so much enjoyment out of paying attention to those things. Okay, sometimes maybe we get so much stress and frustration too, but when you get it right, it's all worth it.

Most days I don't fight it, I let Topie leave the house in whatever fancy getup she happens to be in, as long as there are no hoop skirts involved, and as long as she can physically fit into her carseat. Really, I barely even notice anymore, it's just the way it is, but I'm reminded of the sheer silliness whenever some stranger comes over and asks Topie if she's going to a party. Um, no, it's just Tuesday. But no harm in it, I think, and there's really a small window of opportunity for such little girl fun, so I don't make any fuss.

Now that Jake's mom has introduced her to Angelina Ballerina, though, she insists on being a ballerina princess. I've built up her little wardrobe of ballet and princessy outfits, from craigslist and yard sales, and for a while at least, she is all stocked up in fancy.

But sometimes it's just not a good idea to go out in the world in a leotard and tutu, and on those days, alternatives must be presented from her civilian wardrobe. She has at least a dozen beautiful dresses that she can wear any time she chooses, but now they are generally not fancy enough for her. I picked one out for her this morning and she argued that a princess has to be FANCIER than that. I'm pretty sure I've seen more actual princesses on TV than she has, so I told her that when she gets home from her date with daddy, I'll show her what real princesses look like and what they wear. Here are some links to pictures I'm going to show her.

http://www.teacakesandteddybears.com/FamousPrincesses.htm

http://images.google.com/images?hl=en&client=safari&rls=en-us&ei=aaxUSridJ9DAlAeRt4nmCA&resnum=0&q=princess+grace&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=bKxUSruSGJSSlAfS2fyABw&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=1

http://images.google.com/images?client=safari&rls=en-us&q=princess+diana&oe=UTF-8&um=1&ie=UTF-8&ei=wqxUStbDEsrqlAer1eHpCA&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=6

WHO ELSE SHOULD I SHOW HER?

Are you available for a visit tomorrow or Friday???

Jake and I (him reading over my shoulder) observed that on my friends page this morning, there were four mentions of vomit in a row.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
Your plan for the future needs to stay flexible. Some big opportunities are coming.

SO we're in Kentucky. It's amazing we can spend a day in the car and just...end up someplace completely different. Jake's always talking about what a marvel that is, and how before cars a trip like that would have taken weeks, and sometimes I think about and just feel all wow about it. Bu there we are.

Yesterday we got to finally meet loki_quinn and her family. I had really hoped that Liam and Topaz would be well-suited for each other, after years of seeing very similar posts in my journal and hers, and sure enough, they're pretty great together. They seem to take turns being dominant, which is kind of amusing. Reminds me of Jake, with this stupid power struggle we've always had, only they're fighting a lot less about it than we do. It was hard to pull them away from each other last night, and I'm sure when Topie wakes up the first thing she'll ask is when we're going back to see him.

We spent a crazy time at the Children's Museum yesterday. Babies sleeping on our backs, 3-year-olds running wild. I was pretty overwhelmed and distracted there because of the sheer scale of the place compared to anything in Binghamton, and it felt totally wrong letting Topaz run around for such a long time without being able to see her. I know, I get paranoid, but I'm just not used to her not being with me all the time, and it kind of freaked me out. In places like that I realize all over again that I must have some kind of sensory issues, because I was torn between just shutting down entirely, and spazzing out. But it was okay, once I saw how much fun the kids were having, and thinking of all the neat things I could do in our own house to keep them busy. Peg board skyscrapers! Seriously, must do something like that. I was glad to see both my kids focus on one activity for a while even in the midst of all the fun options. I guess they don't have the same issues as I have, or maybe Topie does a little but handles it by focusing on one thing and tuning everything else out. I've thought that before about her, so maybe.

Then we met back up with Jake, at Chipotle, which let me tell you, was the best taco lunch I have ever had, ever. I don't even know what was so great about it, but WOW, it was just so good.

Then Jake and I took the kids and went to Starbucks (for medicinal purposes only, I assure you) and then ended up wandering around the shopping center and getting a nice walk in. It's been so nice and cool since we've been here, exactly like it's been in Binghamton in between heat waves. So we had some time to process and have some quiet time when the kids fell asleep. We drove around a little and found ourselves at the Covington Landing, where we were all alone and got to watch barges go down the river. If I lived here, I would be there all the time. Such a great place to think and relax. Watching those barges just crawling down the river was therapeutic somehow. Slow slow slow.

And then we went back over to Ashley's house, where Liam was asleep too. Jake laid Topaz down with him, and they had a way-too-late-but-typical nap, and even Philip slept by me on the couch. So it was just Isla and the adults, and we had time, finally, to relax and talk like normal people. It's amazing how the goings-on of kids is so incredibly distracting, especially when probably everyone involved has a sense of OH NO, if my kid hurts your kid, we're not friends anymore, or whatever. Or maybe after the whole Danielle thing I'm just overly sensitive. But the kids were great. Anyway, we all got to talk for a while without kids screaming, and it was good. Then out to dinner and had really good pizza.

In the end, we really didn't go to bed much later than usual, and once we got to the hotel (much nicer than the night before), Philip was already asleep, and Topie went right to bed. Imagine my shock. It was wonderful. And the bed was so much nicer, and we actually SLEPT. So I'm feeling ready to start a new day.

We're in Kentucky. I really thought we'd get to within a couple hours of here last night, then get up early and drive the rest. We stopped several times, but ended up being on the road a solid 12 hours. Ugh. It wasn't bad though, actually, and the kids did great. I finished the sleeve and half the body of Topie's sweater, so that's cool. I think the trip was about 500 miles. So we could never find a wireless signal any of the times we stopped, and I hadn't thought to get everything I needed off the internet because I was so sure I'd have no problem getting online on the way. So that means I never was in touch with Ashley, never got a hold of the realtor to tell her we were leaving etc., didn't do a lot of useful things. It was so frustrating. I think we might be the only people in our generation who can't just get online wherever under any circumstances. UHLIKJALKMSD:ODJSF

So we're here. Jake is in the shower. We got a shitty night's sleep because this place is total crap. It's loud, kind of dirty/scary, and just ick. I got the bed with the kids, Jake slept on the floor. So i was terrified all night that one of them would fall off the bed, so I was half awake most of the night. Then just after we'd fallen asleep, I woke up hearing someone trying to get our door open. Fun fun. Apparently they'd been told the wrong room number. But we couldn't fall asleep after that for quite a while. Then every time I fell asleep, the kids would move and I'd freak out and WHY would anyone cosleeping ever have a high bed? This made me remember why we sleep on the floor at home. Both kids roll all over the place in their sleep. Just too scary.

So we'll see what today brings. Jake's tour of the Toyota factory should be interesting, but should also leave us without transportation or contact with him for much of the day.

I'm ready for winter. No, really? It's just so hot inside and all the stuff I have to do today is inside. I've been sneaking out here and there to cool off, but ugh. Cleaned out the car to get ready for the trip. Got some laundry done till I ran out of detergent. I forgot some stuff at Wegmans this morning so I'll have to go back anyway. Also, a trip to Tom's for some last-minute surprises. Philip is sleeping, and Topie went upstairs a while ago to play, so I've gotten a lot done. Still have to get diapers washed, dishes put away, food planned, dinner made, rabbit cage cleaned, clothes packed, Topie's backpack with art supplies in it found, CD case found, car loaded, feeding everyone including Jake's mom, realtor called, and collapsing done. Then in the morning we're hoping to leave the house looking showable to a reasonable extent.

Somehow the big black book of our entire CD collection is not where I put it. It's possible it's in Jake's car and we forgot about it, or maybe someone stole it when they were looking at our house. I know, paranoid, right? But really. And now I can't find Topie's little pink backpack that she takes in the car with art supplies to keep her busy. Her stockmar block crayons were in there and who knows what else. it's just not anywhere.

I'm so hot and sweaty I can't think straight. Maybe at this point it's time to wake up Philip so we can get out of here and get those errands done.

So the plan was that Jake was just going to go to the Toyota tour by himself and come back and be done with it. But then yesterday he got home and announced he had taken an extra day off and expected me to go with him. Way to always change plans there, Jakie! Anyway, so it looks like we're going.

Ash, would it be okay if we converged upon you on Thursday morning? If not, I am not at all inclined to go no matter what he says. However, we're also thinking, if you want to, we might spend a day or two there and spend some time in a real city for a change, do some shopping, go to a museum, do fun things with the kids that we can't do here, sort of make a mini-vacation of it.

And Ali, I'm so sorry for flaking out and being so pathetic and not coming to see you yet. We had all these showings this past week and I didn't see it coming. I spent most of the week cleaning and making myself sick working. But we're thinking of coming up either next week while Jake is off, or I'll be out with just the kids the week after that. Grr!

Anyway, that's the plan. Right now I'm trying to get a million things done so I can actually leave. Washing clothes and diapers, cleaning, using up produce, packing, etc etc etc.

Julie Van Scoy Taber is full of the stupid tonight.

And good lord, everyone is dead today. I just kept feeling shocked every time I heard a new one. How is it people you never met and have nothing to do with you can fill your thoughts when they cease to be? Makes no sense.

So last night the kids did indeed sleep, though Philip woke up wanting to be nursed a couple of times. Sometimes Jake is better getting him back to sleep than I am. He doesn't expect milk from Jake, so he just goes right back to sleep. With me, he knows it's there and he usually gets it, and gets enraged if I suggest maybe he won't this time. Frustrating.

Jake has a bad habit of underestimating Philip's reach and determination. He frequently leaves cups close to the edge of countertops, or on top of tables, and Philip can get to everything now. This morning I didn't realize Jake had poured me a cup of coffee until it went pouring off the table, thankfully not scalding Philip in the process. Now I have to wash the curtains. Great. And this morning I heard Topie tell him that he had put something where Philip could get it. See, even the three year old gets it.

Last night we opened a bottle of wine and I drank most of it, with the result that I got very serious and philosophical and we had this long discussion and it was all very something. This morning I still feel serious and philosophical, with a little more despair mixed in for added fun.

I've got some laundry going. I'm trying to figure out some domestic solutions. Now that my kitchen cart is in the basement because of showings, I usually have no kitchen towels in the kitchen. I hate that. So I'm trying to figure out a new place for them that makes sense and is out of the way. Same for the new mixer. Showing this house has really screwed up a lot of my systems. Topie's Learning Tower has been in the basement for months. So I haven't included her in baking as much as I should be because our chairs are a little wobbly and I don't feel safe about it. So often I look for something and realize it's packed and buried. Some of the time it's worth it to go down and dig things out, but usually not. There are so many books we've wanted to reread that are boxed up. So frustrating. I just want to be able to live normally.

Jake will probably follow up about the MN job today. He's getting a haircut and trying to make himself look more well-groomed. I keep going back to the question of, Are you seriously going to be a COMMUNICATOR for a living? He and I generally don't understand most of what we say, so the idea floors me that anyone else could ever understand him.

I want to go pick strawberries but don't know what to do about Philip. Most likely I'll miss out on strawberries other than the ones we picked the one time.

Philip is such a little person now. He is starting to say more, but still chats a lot in his own little baby talk. He's so engaging. I spend so much time playing with him, I sometimes wonder if I'm spending enough time with Topaz. It's hard to divide myself between them, and I told Jake last night I want to take Topaz out for a date, just the two of us. So we'll find something fun to do that would be too difficult with Philip around.

Lisa at the farm invited us to stay for dinner when we pick up our food Friday evening. They send out an email newsletter every week with the option of picking up your produce and eggs directly at the farm instead of going to the farmers market. I used to do it occasionally last year, before I started to really dislike Jerome. So I don't know. I always enjoy chatting with Lisa (she's very interesting, former pastry chef, former Waldorf kindergarten teacher, been all over, now organic farmer) and her daughter. They have an interesting perspective. Jerome I can't figure out, though. Part of me thinks he's just socially inept and it comes off as arrogance, but factor in that French thing and it's really hard to decide. Whatever. If Jake is there to keep him talking, it'll be better. They seemed to get along okay the last couple times we were there. They're both sciencey geeks, so there's that.

Today I'm going to make cashew milk. I soaked the cashews finally, so that will be fun. This week I've done some useful things in the background, like made a big batch of yogurt. My kitchen towels seem pretty disgusting so I need to rewash them with hydrogen peroxide and see what that does.

We're thinking of going back to family cloth, even though I hated it. Toilet paper is so expensive and so wasteful, and I want so much to get closer to zero waste. Jake doesn't seem to get the whole PAY ATTENTION thing, and whenever he stops for something on the way home brings home a few plastic bags. I can't get him to stop doing it. I've put cloth bags in his car, which he forgets. Then doesn't think to get paper bags instead of plastic. There's nothing more I can say to make him pay more attention. It just bothers me.

Today I think I'll set up Topie's easel in the backyard and let her go crazy with watercolors. Yesterday I attempted to inflate a small kiddie pool I bought last year (horribly toxic, I was breathing that plastic smell for hours from trying to inflate it) and let the kids splash for a while. They really love that. I have some galvanized tubs but it's nice when they can sit in the pool together.

Sometimes I think if I made more effort to capture the more idyllic moments of life around here, I'd convince myself it wasn't all shit and I would think better of myself as a mother. I see other people's journals and blogs, with one or two cute shots of their kids doing something fun, or something they made or baked or whatever, and it creates such a strong impression of perfection. I know that's not the way life really is. One picture may be worth a thousand words, but who knows if those words weren't closer to DAMMIT KIDS HOLD STILL FOR A FUCKING PICTURE, or THANK GOD I TOOK A PICTURE OF THAT GORGEOUS CAKE BEFORE THE CAT JUMPED ON IT. Who knows. But I've got a plan, and maybe it's the same plan everyone else has. Every day I will find something I've done right and photograph it. Period. And I'll post it somewhere, here or in the blog, and admit to myself that I occasionally do get it right, and maybe eventually I'll see a collection of these posts and think better of my efforts. Context is apparently overrated anyway.

Jake forgot to call his dad or send a present for Father's Day. Oops. I thought of calling mine but obviously didn't because I didn't want to spend the whole day upset. Also didn't talk to my sister that day, her birthday, which upset me but oh well. One day maybe I'll get to the point that special occasions don't upset me by reminding me of what I've lost. Father's Day won't be about how I essentially have no father, Christmas won't remind me that my family doesn't care about me, etc. Maybe what I should do is make all these days as superficial as possible so there's no meaning attached whatsoever, and therefore nothing to be upset about.

Sometimes I think I have made a life out of missing the point.

Jake talked to the guy at work about this position. Mostly he's trying to get a feel for whether or not they think he is the right person for such a position, based on what they know of him. He's got a definite maybe so far. Next this guy talks to the head of the department, who makes the decision. So now we wait to hear HIS opinion of Jake. I really have no idea how many people in the company would even be interested in a job that requires moving for 18 months to MN. I wonder if that by itself is in Jake's favor.

I also wonder if his boss will sabotage him to keep him in the department.

And I'm thinking about this quest I'm constantly on, searching for meaning. Maybe it's true I try to assign meaning where there is none or should not be. Or maybe I just don't have room in my life for things that I don't see the point in. Or maybe there is a point but I'm too dense to get it. Maybe I'm not capable of having fun, or maybe I have a hard time with things that are so completely foreign to me. I seem to crave rhythm and celebration, having things to look forward to and plan for, special occasions, something to make some days stand out from the rest. I hate the way all our days blur together, time passes and I wonder where it went. I feel like in some ways I have great awareness, and in others I'm just...blank.

But I'm looking for meaning. I want to have a deep feeling of what I'm doing having a purpose, of being authentic and natural and not forced. Not something I think I'm supposed to do. Something that feels right and makes sense.

I think I'm going to have to try harder to find that. I'm going to start reading about all these things people find worthy of celebration and decide what I think once and for all. In the past, everything my family ever celebrated was the usual Christian holidays, and even those were done with no sense of meaning or ceremony. It was all about stuff and feeling mandatory. And from that standpoint, I can see that I have some conflict, feeling like it's almost wrong to celebrate occasions that are outside of Christianity, or just outside our own version of it. We didn't have saints' days. We didn't celebrate seasons. And while I don't have any feeling that those things are wrong, they just are not part of my experience.

Also, growing up in southern Texas, seasons are just not all that noteworthy, and there are few times of the year I ever can think of worth celebrating. So, now living up in the northeast, seasons are so much more noticeable and dramatic, and I can understand a lot better why people see the change of seasons as occasions worthy of observation.

So it's time to make an informed decision instead of it being all about bits and pieces of impressions. I'm open to reading suggestions.

I'm feeling pretty sick over that stupid mixer Jake got for Father's Day. I have no idea how this tradition of buying some huge expensive thing got started, but I'm tired of it. I'm looking for meaning, and all that's ever around is more shit.

Like this solstice thing. I looked at some blogs and there was solstice festivities everywhere. Only, it was all about the stuff. Summer Christmas? I never once encountered anyone talk about what it meant to them, why they cared, why it was special and why they looked so forward to it. It was only about the stuff. The stuff made, the stuff bought and given...why?

I just don't understand it. I'm thinking in the future the first day of each season will be observed by us, but not in any big way. So, pretty much what we've always done. At this point the kids don't really get what a lot of this stuff means anyway, so I'm not stressing about it. I like the idea of having special books to read on those occasions, and maybe a seasonally appropriate activity. I like being aware of time passing, of milestones in the year. But really. Everyone says, I love summer! Yay summer! But is that it?

To me, summer solstice is all about the beginning of the end. The days get shorter after that, we're headed back toward winter, back toward bleak darkness. What i CAN get worked up about is winter solstice. Festivals of light, celebrating the return of light and life. But summer? Maybe it's just because I hate being hot.

So this is me being a killjoy as usual. Whatever.

I'm upset about the mixer for a few reasons. I know, this is technically a gift for Jake, but let's face it. I'm in the kitchen more than he is, I make more food, he was expecting I would use it a lot too. So this weekend we played around with it. Made meatloaf (my hands never once touched raw meat, yay!), mashed potatoes, clafoutis, chocolate chip cookies, and bread dough. And while my cookies were the best I have ever made ever, what I realized (but really knew all along) is that I hate machines that replace manual labor. Part of me wishes we didn't have washing machines, because I'd get so much exercise washing clothes. I have a food processor I rarely use, because I like to chop things. I like to mix, knead, stir, all that stuff. I enjoy hand crank things. I like the process, of being involved in the creation of my food, not just pushing a button and have it appear, Star Trek replicator-style. And so I dumped all the ingredients in, and voila, cookie dough appeared. And really, when I have an urge to make cookies, it's not that I want the cookies. It's that I want to MIX them. I want to see the sugar magically disappear into the butter. Then the egg disappear into that. I want my arm to strain a bit getting it all together. I want to get lost in thought while I'm doing it. It's therapy, relief. And the cookies...well, half the time the cookies don't even get made, or Jake makes them when he gets home. So for me, this is money I would never have spent for myself, because it replaces me, takes the joy out of a process I love. If Jake is going to get a lot of use out of it, fine, great. But I really don't think I'm going to even think of it as a resource. Food is a sensory experience, from growing or buying the food, to preparing it and eating it. And cutting myself out of the equation makes me feel detached and confused. I don't like it.

What I would like to have done for Father's Day is make him something. But Jake is impossible and all he wants is stuff. Big, expensive stuff. And he thinks that's what I want too. Ahem, spinning wheel. And yeah, there's a place for that I guess. But...it feels empty. It doesn't mean anything to me. It doesn't say...I value you and appreciate you. And I feel flat because the mixer didn't say that either. It said, here's a thing, return it if you want, and now I'll be broke for a month.

Action-Planning Guide
Julie Marie Taber
Your Top 5 Themes
Restorative
Intellection
Input
Activator
Relator
Restorative
Seek roles in which you are paid to solve problems or in which your success depends on your ability to restore and resolve. You might particularly enjoy roles in medicine, consulting, computer programming, or customer service.
Don’t be afraid to let others know that you enjoy fixing problems. It comes naturally to you, but many people shy away from problems. You can help.
Give yourself a break. Your Restorative talents might lead you to be overly self-critical. Try to redirect this either toward things about yourself that can be fixed, such as knowledge or skill deficits, or toward external, tangible problems.
Let other people solve their own problems. You might want to rush in and solve things for them, but by doing that, you might hinder their learning. Watch out for this, particularly if you are in a manager, coach, teacher, or parent role.
Turnaround situations activate your natural forté. Use your Restorative talents to devise a plan of attack to revitalize a flagging project, organization, business, or team.
Leverage your Restorative talents not only to tackle existing problems, but also to anticipate and prevent problems before they occur. Share your foresight and your solutions with others, and you will prove yourself a valuable partner.
Study your chosen subject closely to become adept at identifying what causes certain problems to recur. This sort of expertise will lead you to the solution that much faster.
Think about ways you can improve your skills and knowledge. Identify any gaps you have and the courses you can take to fill them.
Constant improvement is one of your hallmarks. Seek opportunities to enhance your abilities through a demanding field, activity, or endeavor that requires exceptional skill and/or knowledge.
Use your Restorative talents to think of ways to “problem proof” your work. Identify existing and potential issues, and design systems or processes to prevent errors in the future.
Intellection
Consider beginning or continuing your studies in philosophy, literature, or psychology. You will always enjoy subjects that stimulate your thinking.
List your ideas in a log or diary. These ideas will serve as grist for your mental mill, and they might yield valuable insights.
Deliberately build relationships with people you consider to be “big thinkers.” Their example will inspire you to focus your own thinking.
People may think you are aloof or disengaged when you close your door or spend time alone. Help them understand that this is simply a reflection of your thinking style, and that it results not from a disregard for relationships, but from a desire to bring the most you can to those relationships.
You are at your best when you have the time to follow an intellectual trail and see where it leads. Get involved on the front end of projects and initiatives, rather than jumping in at the execution stage. If you join in the latter stages, you may derail what has already been decided, and your insights may come too late.
Engaging people in intellectual and philosophical debate is one way that you make sense of things. This is not the case for everyone. Be sure to channel your provocative questions to those who similarly enjoy the give and take of debate.
Schedule time for thinking; it can be energizing for you. Use these occasions to muse and reflect.
Take time to write. Writing might be the best way for you to crystallize and integrate your thoughts.
Find people who like to talk about the same issues you do. Organize a discussion group that addresses your subjects of interest.
Encourage people around you to use their full intellectual capital by reframing questions for them and by engaging them in dialogue. At the same time, realize that there will be some who find this intimidating and who need time to reflect before being put on the spot.
Input
Look for jobs in which you are charged with acquiring new information each day, such as teaching, research, or journalism.
Devise a system to store and easily locate information. This can be as simple as a file for all the articles you have clipped or as sophisticated as a computer database.
Partner with someone with dominant Focus or Discipline talents. This person will help you stay on track when your inquisitiveness leads you down intriguing but distracting avenues.
Your mind is open and absorbent. You naturally soak up information in the same way that a sponge soaks up water. But just as the primary purpose of the sponge is not to permanently contain what it absorbs, neither should your mind simply store information. Input without output can lead to stagnation. As you gather and absorb information, be aware of the individuals and groups that can most benefit from your knowledge, and be intentional about sharing with them.
You might naturally be an exceptional repository of facts, data, and ideas. If that’s the case, don’t be afraid to position yourself as an expert. By simply following your Input talents, you could become known as the authority in your field.
Remember that you must be more than just a collector of information. At some point, you’ll need to leverage this knowledge and turn it into action. Make a point of identifying the facts and data that would be most valuable to others, and use this information to their advantage.
Identify your areas of specialization, and actively seek more information about them.
Schedule time to read books and articles that stimulate you.
Deliberately increase your vocabulary. Collect new words, and learn the meaning of each of them.
Identify situations in which you can share the information you have collected with other people. Also make sure to let your friends and colleagues know that you enjoy answering their questions.
Activator
Seek work in which you can make your own decisions and act on them. In particular, look for start-up or turnaround situations.
At work, make sure that your manager judges you on measurable outcomes rather than your process. Your process is not always pretty.
You can transform innovative ideas into immediate action. Look for creative and original thinkers, and help them move their ideas from conceptual theory to concrete practice.
Look for areas that are bogged down by discussion or blocked by barriers. End the stalemate by creating a plan to get things moving and spur others into action.
You learn more from real experience than from theoretical discussions. To grow, consciously expose yourself to challenging experiences that will test your talents, skills, and knowledge.
Remember that although your tenacity is powerful, it may intimidate some. Your Activator talents will be most effective when you have first earned others’ trust and loyalty.
Identify the most influential decision makers in your organization. Make it a point to have lunch with each of them at least once a quarter to share your ideas. They can support you in your activation and provide critical resources to make your ideas happen.
You can easily energize the plans and ideas of others. Consider partnering with focused, futuristic, strategic, or analytical people who will lend their direction and planning to your activation, thereby creating an opportunity to build consensus and get others behind the plan. By doing this, you complement each other.
Give the reasons why your requests for action must be granted. Otherwise, others might dismiss you as impatient and label you a ‘ready, fire, aim’ person.
You possess an ability to create motion and momentum in others. Be strategic and wise in the use of your Activator talents. When is the best time, where is the best place, and who are the best people with whom to leverage your valuable influence?
Relator
Find a workplace in which friendships are encouraged. You will not do well in an overly formal organization. In job interviews, ask about work styles and company culture.
Deliberately learn as much as you can about the people you meet. You like knowing about people, and other people like being known. By doing this, you will act as a catalyst for trusting relationships.
Let it be known that you are more interested in the character and personality of others than in their status or job title. This is one of your greatest talents and can serve as a model for others.
Let your caring show. For example, find people in your company to mentor, help your colleagues get to know each other better, or extend your relationships beyond the office.
No matter how busy you are, stay in contact with your friends. They are your fuel.
Be honest with your friends. True caring means helping the other person be successful and fulfilled. Giving honest feedback or encouraging your friend to move out of a role in which he or she is struggling is a compassionate act.
You probably prefer to be seen as a person, an equal, or a friend, rather than as a function, a superior, or a title. Let people know that they can address you by your first name, rather than formally.
You might tend to withhold the most engaging aspects of your personality until you have sensed openness from another person. Remember, building relationships is not a one-way street. Proactively “put yourself out there.” Others will quickly see you for the genuine individual you are, and you will create many more opportunities to cultivate strong, long-lasting connections.
Make time for family and close friends. You need to spend quality moments with those you love in order to “feed” your Relator talents. Schedule activities that allow you to get even closer to the people who keep you grounded and happy.
Make an effort to socialize with your colleagues and team members outside of work. It can be as simple as lunch or coffee together. This will help you forge more connected relationships at work, which in turn can facilitate more effective teamwork and cooperation.

Jake and I talked it over a bit, and we both admitted to feeling like all this solstice stuff is just not for us. What, another excuse to buy stuff? Celebrating what, exactly. I know, I know, I guess it's just that the idea is so foreign to both of us, it's hard to get worked up about it. I think I only thought of it at all because of Waldorf influence and reading about other people's plans. But in the end, we just don't really care. Maybe if we read more and knew more people in real life who made any occasion of it, then it would make more sense.

However, Father's Day I can get behind. Jake got his mixer (we got the Pro one, not the Artisan!) and have already made meatloaf, bread, clafoutis, and about to do cookies. So far so good. I'm still not wildly into the idea of it, but Jake seemed enthusiastic about it, and that spinning wheel put some pressure on me to do something big, so if he uses it, it's worth the crazy money. I did, at least use a 20% coupon at Bed Bath and Beyond.

I think I'm still not sure what we care about and what it means in terms of celebration and occasions. Even for Father's Day, which I wholeheartedly support, I didn't do anything other than buy something. Also, made Jake's favorite dinner, and about to do a special batch of cookies for him. Cleaned out his car. Folded his clothes. Stuff. No card or speeches. I guess neither of our families made a big fuss out of any holiday or special occasion, so we feel a bit forced doing it ourselves.

I think what I'd really rather focus on is making every day a special day, and gifting people with appreciation all year long. This is not to say I don't wildly enjoy getting presents and giving them (if I have a clue what to give), but maybe we're just not cut out for all the waldorf traditions and festivals. I don't know, does that mean I have to start from scratch?